Dry January

My wife decided she would do “Dry January” as part of her fitness/wellness goals, and I figured I would at least not enable her, but I suddenly find that we are almost 2/3 of the way there and I have not had much to drink aside from:

–The final sips of a good bottle of champagne from NYE,

–A hot toddy because it works as good as any medicine (and definitely better tasting than Robitussin DM)

There are other reasons why I haven’t imbibed, and why I have realized it’s not big deal.

Because work was stressful? Well if I am work from home, who’ll know about a lunch beer (it’s 5pm somewhere, right?). It may loosen my tongue, but it won’t make my jokes better.

But what about weekends, or a day off? Related to the reasons above, a couple of beers during an afternoon weekend, or a day off (like I took today to write this!) the buzz would put me out of commission and have me miss out on longer activities, like going to the park, arts and crafts, playing in the backyard. Or like right now, shoveling and/or walking on icy sidewalks!

Ain’t nobody got time for that. I only get a little time to hang out with the little guy in the mornings when I am commuting, I value that quality time; less so if I am hungover. Commuting home, I am using the last of my energy for him as well – playing games, practicing writing, watching TV and reading before bed, and I would rather be at my sharpest.

I’m already tired. Commuting sucks – from walking to the train, switching to another halfway through, then walking from the station to work, then reversing that at the end of the day – well that takes a lot out of me. Aside from the walking, I do morning stretches and weighted workouts. When I am work from home, I walk the little guy to school, then back and have an extended workout afterwards. So yeah I tap my reserves as much as I can.

Because I am chillin in the man cave with TV/video games/lounge pants/eating a cheeseburger (blue cheese and fried onions on a toasted english muffin, since you asked), and that pairs perfectly? Well yes but any of those things combined (and they were last Sunday!), was good enough for me – so it was not needed.

So 13 days to go, and the only challenge will be the event next week where there will be an open bar (the last one they held had mocktails….), but I should be fine, and not waiting with corkscrew in hand to decant a bottle of red to celebrate the groundhog seeing his shadow or not (in which case that would be white).

Dad Jokes

Dad jokes are like dad bods- secretly appreciated, or so we like to think (they are).

Yeah you have probably heard most of these, but there’s at least a couple new ones for your routine.

• How did the student cross the ocean? On a Scholar ship.

• What do you call it when your cocoa takes too long? Hot Choco-LATE.

• What happens when you step on a grape? It lets out a little wine.

• I’ve invented a DIY surgery kit – It’s called Suture Self.

• What do you get when you freeze Holy Water? Popesicles.

• Did you hear about the cell phone towers that got married? The reception was amazing!

• Remains to be seen…if glass coffins become popular

• IMO, the most remarkable invention ever…was the whiteboard.

• At first I didn’t like having a beard…but it grew on me.

• What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

• What happened to the short-tempered doctor? He quickly lost his patients.

• Why do nurses carry red crayons? In case they need to draw blood.

And to close it out, a story length one…

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to get a tux, but there’s a long line at the suit shop. He waits and waits, and finally gets his tux.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he goes to a florist, but there’s a long line. He waits and waits, and finally gets the flowers.

Next he goes to get a limo, but there’s a long line at the limo place. He waits and waits, and finally gets the limo rented.

Finally the day of the prom comes and they head there, but there’s a long line at the entrance. They wait and wait, and finally get into the prom.

They start dancing happily and having a good time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.